My Name is Ozymandias, King of Kings

Yesterday, I skyped with my mom and we, of course, ended up talking about this crisis. During the course of the conversation, I ended up talking about how the timing of this pandemic is particularly poignant. We are in the season of Lent, a time of sacrifice, self-denial, and withdrawal from the world. We are called to focus on God, and the care and love of our neighbors, to give alms and aid and prayer. In a way, this pandemic is forcing us to do what we are suppose to do voluntarily and happily.

Now, forgoing meat and dairy products and eggs is not just a guideline of the church - it is making available to others those practically rationed products. The need for alms and aid is so clear in the rise of the unemployed and the fear and solitude of vulnerable people. We are not able to gather for church and fellowship, which brings into light how blessed we are in normal times to be able to attend church openly and have Communion weekly. I find myself praying more prayers, and longer, as I am less beholden to the almighty clock.

It is a sad blessing.

And On That Pedestal These Words Appear

It still amazes me how human nature doesn't change. As a history undergrad I read a lot about the Black Death and the responses to it. How the rich fled to their estates in the country. How some people lived an 'eat, drink, and be merry, for tomorrow we die' life. How some people did all they could to help the dying, and ended up dying themselves. How some religious leaders died doing their duty, and others turned away from it.

And now, even with a pandemic not nearly half as bad as the Black Death, you see the same human reactions. The rich fled New York for Florida. The Gen Z college students partied on the beaches for Spring Break. There are doctors and nurses dying for lack of adequate protective gear, and yet our health care workers still show up every day to do something. Priests in Italy are dying at a high rate, and Jerry Falwell, Jr. opened Liberty University back up to students.

Humans are human.

The Hand that Mocked Them and The Heart That Felt

I'm fairly certain my family is worried about my mental health during this stay-at-home time because I'm by myself. My parents have each other, my sister is camping with her boyfriend, and my brother is staying with his fiancee and her kid and his kids. I, on the other hand, am happily single. I'm also happily introverted. Like, very introverted. Granted, I think in a few weeks I might end up being a little stir-crazy, but honestly it's not been long since this whole thing started. Still, my parents routinely skype me, and I'm scheduled to talk on the phone with mom while we walk twice a week. And last night my brother ordered me pizza (which was very sweet of him). And I can tell they're worried.

I mean, understandably. My whole family has a history of depression and anxiety, and traumatic experiences like a pandemic and being housebound can be hard on one's mental health. So far, though, I think I'm doing fine. I have my meds. And even the bit of anxiety that bleeds through the meds is lower than usual, possibly because the rest of the world has reached my level of anxiety and thus I don't feel the need to worry as much? I will keep an eye on the depression though, you never know when that will hit.

Hmm, I think I'll make mental health a tag. Make sure I check in with myself every once in awhile, especially since my usual red-flag (not going to church) isn't available. Right now I'm feeling good, less anxious. And I'm doing things, like puzzles, and crochet, and reading my prayers.

As for the world, it seems to be getting a handle on the situation. I mean, it's still a horrible, unprecedented situation, but I get the feeling that we're settling into a new schedule in life? Like, we don't all panic whenever some new restriction pops up, or we aren't surprised by the continual news coverage. There's still a lot unknown, but not knowing is like the new normal.

A Dialogue with 2008 Me

Yesterday it was a bit overcast and rainy, reminding me of the time I spent in England in early 2008. It made me wonder how an interaction between 2020 me and 2008 me would go.

NowMe: Oh hey, I'm you from the year 2020.

2008Me: Um, hi? What's 2020 like?

NowMe: Well, Donald Trump is the President of the United States.

2008Me: ...what.

NowMe: Yah, that was kinda my reaction, too.

2008Me: Um, so what are you doing in 2020?

NowMe: Oh, I finally got a decent job that thankfully has teleworking abilities.

2008Me: That does sound nice. Do you travel a lot?

NowMe: I've been a few places. Visited friends in Germany, went with the parents to Finland and the Baltics and Portugal and Spain, met some cousins in Italy.

2008Me: Haven't been back to England yet?

NowMe: No. Well, I was going to plan a trip. Especially after Brexit.

2008Me: Brexit?

NowMe: Yah, the UK decided it didn't like being in the EU anymore, so they left it.

2008Me: Oh wow! Did the pound go down much, because the exchange rate is killing me right now.

NowMe: It did, which is why I was thinking of visiting. But no travel right now.

2008Me: Why?

NowMe: Oh, because the entire world has shut down due to novel coronavirus pandemic.

2008Me: ...pandemic?

NowMe: Yah, presently I'm teleworking because most everyone is on a stay-at-home order so that millions of people don't die.

2008Me: ...what?

NowMe: Thankfully I have a job, the unemployment rate is sky-rocketing right now.

2008Me: The unemploy....

NowMe: The economy is really tanking, it's pretty awful. Worse than the 2008 financial crisis.

2008Me: The 2008 financial crisis...!?!

NowMe: Oh yah, you aren't there yet. Good luck finding a job in a couple years!

2008Me: What!

NowMe: And stock up on toilet paper! Seriously, that stuff's gold right now...


Yah, 2008 me would definitely not be prepared for all this.

Tell That Its Sculptor Well Those Passions Read

I was able to talk to my best friend on the phone last night. She's married with kids, and lives several states away, but we've been friends since kindergarten and best friends since 5th grade and it's always great to touch base with her. She has to deal with a suddenly work-from-home husband, basically homeschool her school-age kids, and watch the toddler at the same time. Makes me grateful all I have to do is sit in a chair and hope students ask me questions.

One of the things that stuck out about our conversation though is how the uncertainty is worse than any fear of the virus itself. How long will we be stuck at home? How strict with the restrictions get? Will the economic disaster this is becoming actually end up killing more people than the virus? Note, I don't think it will, at least not directly. But health outcomes are worse for those in lower wealth brackets, and a lot of people are suffering from the economy right now.

We also talked about how hard it is to miss church - I was able to go yesterday for the last time for the foreseeable future, but she (a devout Catholic) hasn't had communion in a few weeks and there is no end in sight. How long will it be? What are we going to do about Easter, the holiest and most important day of the year? Catholics and Orthodox aren't like some of the Protestant churches my friend heard about who are talking about holding Easter services in the summer. We have our tradition and church calendar and Lent and all of that, culminating in the celebration of Christ's resurrection. We can't move it. But we also can't risk lives, can't be the reason the celebration of Life begets death.

Whose Frown and Wrinkled Lips, and Snear of Cold Contempt

By the way, the titles of these posts are basically in no way related to the posts themselves. I'm just really bad at titling things, so I decided to quote poetry off the top of my head. (So apologies if I get them wrong).

Anyway, my parish has canceled Sunday School and the fellowship meal, thankfully. I will probably try to attend confession and communion this weekend, but afterwards watch via streaming. I want to stay as isolated as possible, in case my parents or siblings need for any reason. Or really anyone else. The parish council has some ideas on how to help out our community, and if I'm able to stay healthy I can do things like deliver groceries to people who really need to be isolated.

I think people are really starting to settle in for the long haul. Mom and I are starting up a Sunday Skype bookclub, and plan on talking on the phone on Wednesdays and Fridays. Work has settled a little into what we're going to be doing for the rest of the semester. I mean, there's a lot of uncertainty out there, but I think a lot of hope and coming-together (separately) going on as well. Just reading about people who are putting up their Christmas lights again, or making funny videos, or helping each other out, they all bring a little light into the world.

I feel like I'm not doing enough to help. I want to help, but I'm not good at organizing things myself. I'm really hoping my church sets something up, because then I could volunteer for that.

I actually haven't read a lot of news today, so I'm not exactly sure what the updates are. I know Italy has passed China in reported deaths (though I'm not sure I believe China's numbers). It's really awful, and southern Italy is in a bit of a panic because they have much less of, well, everything, compared to the north and if the coronavirus slams into them it could be even more devastating. I've emailed our cousins in Moiano, but I was never sure the email address was correct in the first place and I haven't heard back from them.

It's awful feeling helpless.

Half-Sunk a Shattered Visage Lies

First day working from home, and it looks like we'll be there for the forseeable future. Our university has said it will be online for the rest of the semester, and our head librarian is recommending that the library be closed as well. I still might be called in to do scanning or move books or something, but my guess is things will be shut down completely.

In Italy, at least the north, ambulances are no longer using their sirens because the noise is causing people stress and there are few cars on the road anyway. People over 70 aren't even admitted to the hospital if they have Covid-19 - they've been triaged and basically are being left to die at home. This is absolutely awful, and worrying considering everyone is saying the US is about two weeks behind Italy. And my state already has several cases and deaths, meaning there are probably more people with the virus lurking hidden. If they don't social distance themselves, we could have a spike and end up like Lombardy.

Possibly the most frustrating part of this whole thing is the utter disregard people, especially young people including those of my generation, have for the dangers of gathering in groups. I don't care if they are at little risk of dying from Covid-19, do you just, what, not love anyone of an older generation? If not your parents and grandparents, than older coworkers and friends? Or has the nihilism of the younger generations led them to just not care? I know we are moving to a culture where life has little value, but this selfishness is appalling. I'm really hoping my younger sister, who seems to be wandering around the country and is for some reason still planning on visiting one of the countries in the Caucasus via Turkey, starts taking this a bit more seriously. At least for our parents' sake and also because while young people are at less risk, that doesn't mean no risk. 

Later that day: 

Well, I've had a nice walk. It's jarring seeing all those beautiful flowering trees: so beautiful in a time when everyone is stressed and worried. There were no cars on the road and I passed one person while walking, and then moved to the side to pick some pear blossoms - though I had to think it might be to avoid being anywhere near another person.

Listening to some Ancient Faith podcasts has helped The balance between faith and reason is a bit clearer. It's comforting to have some direction. We can still worship and serve, while being cognizant of our actions. Especially if this all continues for a year, we have to find a way to serve as Christians and worship and pray and not fall apart as a community.

List of Things to Do

So, with my newly increased home-time, I need to make a list of things to do so that I don't spead days on end reading fanfics or the news.

• Read through my bookshelf. I have plenty of books I've been meaning to read or want to read again. 
• Finish my puzzle. Ironically, I'm working on a scene of Venice that shows empty boats in front of the skyline.
• Continue my crochet projects. Problem: I have limited yarn.
• Finish sewing machine projects. Problem: I have limited fabric.
• Clean my apartment. Marie Kondo that stuff!
• Bake sourdough and/or cookies.
• Actually write that novel I started two years ago and haven't really touched since.
• Set up a better prayer schedule and stick to it.
• Plan a European trip for when all this is over and there are a bunch of deals to get tourists to come back?

Update 4/9/2020

Got some more yarn so crocheting is going steadily. My sewing machine broke, so that's out. I'm on my third puzzle, and I've been baking a ton. Prayer schedule is pretty good.

Looks like I need to start working on the reading/writing aspect of things...
 

Stand in the Desert, Near Them on the Sand

Things seem to be progressing rapidly. I think it's only now really starting to hit me what exactly is happening. My parents are self-isolating as best they can. The governor is limiting the number of people gathering to 10 (I think there goes liturgy and work). The experts are talking about how our best bet is to try and keep things stable for a year until a vaccine is made and tested.

I guess I had previously had the feeling that this would be a more immediate thing, that would flash through over a month and then disappear. It sort of seemed to work like that in China, but to be honest I think they're still limiting travel and not allowing outsiders into the country for fear of re-importing the virus. That has to have economic repercussions, the same as our continued shutdown. So even if Covid-19 flashes across the US over the next month (which would wreck havoc on our health system), we'll all still be in a holding pattern until we have a vaccine that we know works. Which, as said before, will probably take about a year.

So I don't know what this means. Will the limits to gatherings only last as long as there are new cases being found? How long do we go without school and work and church? What does this mean for Easter services? As an Orthodox Christian, confession and communion is a vital part of our faith, what do we do if we can't hold services for a year?

What will this mean for the economy, for airlines, for tourism, for the unemployment rate? One of my fellow librarians is retiring soon and I am going to apply for his position (which would be an increase in responsibilities and remuneration). What will happen if we are still doing online classes in the fall? With the lack of income from student housing and food service, will we be freezing positions? I honestly don't know if I can afford to continue living here, with rental prices as they are, if I don't get this promotion. And I know there are people in much more precarious positions than I am.

The uncertainty is stressful. I can tell I'm not sleeping as well, though part of that is my ever-changing schedule plus daylight savings time. I think I'm going to need a list of things to do with myself while stuck at home so I don't go stir crazy.

Who Said Two Vast and Trunkless Legs of Stone

I'm kinda upset at my church right now (I attend a Russian Orthodox church). Pretty much every episcopate except ROCOR has cancelled at the very least the fellowship hour after church and Sunday school. Most are going to a limited liturgy of simply the priest, deacons, and a couple choir members. Meanwhile, my parish is still going full liturgy, full fellowship meal, everything. As a Sunday School teacher plus a member of a food team that provides for the fellowship meal, this makes me a little angry. We, as Christians, are meant to care for the sick and infirm. How are we showing our love for our neighbor by not taking precautions to keep them from getting sick? What we should be doing instead is organizing volunteers to do needed work (grocery shopping, etc.) for people who shouldn't be exposed to crowds. Instead, I'm having to decide whether to back out of Sunday School and Fellowship in order to protect others (I'm still working, I'm still at a university, these places are hot-beds of disease), thus leaving my fellow parishioners in a lurch.

There is no reason to believe that limiting exposure during liturgy and afterwards is against our faith.  As Metopolitan Tikhon of the OCA said "No one should feel any concern about the canonical implications of being absent from the divine services. We find ourselves in extraordinary circumstances that require extraordinary responses. The holy body and precious blood of our Lord can never be a source of disease, it is after all for the healing of soul and body, but the COVID-19 virus can still be passed through the congregation. Out of love for our neighbor, we must do everything we can to protect the vulnerable by slowing the rate of infection not only in our parishes, but in the greater community, and thereby allowing the hospitals and medical community to more adequately care for those most at risk."

That was exactly my thought and what I put forward to the council. Others agreed, but the deacon, who I feel has a lot of influence, was very adamant that we don't change anything. Love him like a brother, but he sometimes has very rigid views on some things.

I'm really not sure what to do about this. I worry that the lack of any concrete action on our part will hinder our witness to our neighbors, especially if we are part of an outbreak. I'm already trying to figure out how to tell my parents (non-Orthodox) about our parish's decision without causing them to have issues about it. They're already a little freaked out that I have to come into work.

I guess for now all I can do is pray that our priest makes an executive decision to be smart about it.

I Met a Traveller from an Antique Land

So here is where things stand where I live. There have been cases of Covid-19 in the nearby county. The university I work at has moved all classes online, and told the students to go home if they can. Many students are staying for legitimate reasons like 'we have no internet at home' and 'there is more coronovirus there than here', as well as less legitimate reasons like 'I just find it harder to stay on track when at home'. You are adults now, and you need to learn how to do hard things, especially when it comes to times when we need to do hard things for the good of our general community. 

For instance, I was supposed to go visit my parents this weekend. They live a few hours away and their county has no reported cases of Covid-19 yet. My parents are also in their 60s and my dad is a smoker. One of our library student workers is self-isolating because of a fever. Due to this, I decided not to visit my parents. Yes it's hard, yes the chances of me being a carrier for the virus is close to nil. But on the very off chance that I am a carrier, I do not want to be the cause of my parents' sickness and/or death. So I made the hard decision. I'm not going to church this weekend either for the same reason.

Meanwhile, in the world, the market is doing...things. I'm not worrying much for myself, a recession might actually be good in the long run for me as I buy at a lower price. However, my parents are retired and living on a fixed income. While they have done well in their earning years, and have a goodly sum to live on, things may get tight for them. I hope they realize they can ask for help, whether financial or medical. I don't make much myself, but add in my brother and sister and we can certainly support them for awhile if needed.

Italy seems to be in a panic, and I worry about my cousins there. (I met my distant cousins on a trip a few years back.) We haven't kept in touch, but all except one are of an older generation. They're in the south, so there's that, but in general things in Italy do not look good. Apparently they are already triaging patients in some places, basically deciding who lives and who dies because of a lack of equipment. And if our government doesn't shape up and actually do something productive, that could easily happen here. No, it doesn't help to cancel flights from Europe when there is already Covid-19 in the US. 

This whole thing is definitely going to test the resiliency of our present-day democracies. We already live in a testing time, and goodness does everything remind me of the Gracchi brothers and end of the Roman Republic, but this virus could have political ramifications far into the future. The responses of governments to a crisis can either lend legitimacy (a la Churchill and King George VI during World War II) or can destroy legitimacy leading to political change (a la the Plague of Athens which, along with the concurrent Peloponnesian War, led to the downfall of Athenian power). 

 Let's hope this isn't as drastic.

Introduction

 Photo by Zoran Borojevic on Unsplash

This is not a blog in the regular sense. I'm not writing this for other people. I don't know how long I will do this, or how often I will post, or what I will say. I'm not doing this for money or internet-fame, or really anything. Mostly, I've begun to think that we are living at a very interesting time in history, and that 2020 may be a pivotal year.

In the past, people kept diaries that have become remarkable insights into the thoughts of our ancestors. I'm no one important. I'm a librarian at a small university, a Millennial, a single woman (in many senses), and an introvert. I have no great traumas in my life, no real drama. I'm not rich, but I'm not poor. Basically, I'm as bland as bland can be.

Still, I think it's important to make some record of what is going on in a small American university town, some record of what one particular bland person perceived of the world.

So here it is. I don't even know if I'll make this public. But it is my diary of a Covid year.