Opening up

I just spent roughly 5 days visiting my parents (who live 3 hours away, same state). We have all been very careful about social distancing and felt comfortable with the visit, but I have to admit, it was harrowing to start. I had a slight anxiety attack starting driving there. But it turned out great. I worked from home for a few days, though the type of work I'm doing I could do things like bake cookies with mom or work on a puzzle with both mom and dad. Saturday Mom and I went hiking a little, with our masks ready to be pulled up whenever we passed somebody. We washed and waxed my car on Sunday, which had beautiful weather, and overall we played a lot of card games.

Most importantly, there were lots of hugs. Man, I had missed hugs. And it's not like I don't sometimes go months without physically seeing my parents (my parents travel. A lot). It's just in this stressful time I needed hugs and it was wonderful having them.

We vaguely made plans for me to visit in July (so we can watch Hamilton together when it comes on Disney+). They're hoping to be able to visit my brother and his kids sometime this month, but my brother is (understandably) paranoid, especially since my niece and nephew are going back to daycare and therapy (my nephew is autistic), and my brother doesn't want their exposure to hurt our parents. We'll see how that shakes out.

So I've had a weekend of hugs and petting kitties, and I brought back my late grandmother's supply of yarn to crochet. I feel a bit more energized, and hopefully everything will shake out well.

Haven't Written In Awhile

It feels like we're in a holding pattern. I mean, our state is starting to open up a little. But I still don't feel safe - you might be able to get me into a mall if you paid me, but it would have to be a goodly amount. I'm going to visit my parents next week, and just thinking about stopping at a reststop causes me anxiety.

Half the world seems to think we're almost through this, and the other half thinks we're driving deeper into the worst time in American history since the Great Depression. And since we're in the middle of it all, I don't know which could end up being true. Will I end up losing my job because of the terrible financial situation my university is in? Or will we have one fall semester of partial online classes and then get back to normal in January?Will the economy surge back, or plummet further?

I can't see the future and it's anxiety-inducing. Actually, while some parts of my chronic anxiety have lowered during this crisis, there's a low-level anxiety slowing building as I start to look at the future and the possibilities. I know my sleep patterns have gotten worse, and my prayer-life has suffered, my work has suffered, and I'm starting to not eat as much as normal. That...is actually not a good sign for my mental health, actually. Huh. Unexpected mental health update it is. I don't think I'm depressed yet, since I don't hate myself for any of this, but the lethargy is starting to turn in that direction. Hopefully visiting my parents will help.

I am feeling a little better about the church situation, though part of that is because I nearly had a panic attack during the Skype parish council meeting when talking about reopening and my priest was very calm and encouraging about my anxiety and OCD and how they react to it all. I still don't really agree with the decisions made, but I also recognize that my parish, like all churches and businesses and groups, is in a situation where there are no good answers. We can't keep going with 8 people attending church each weekend, we need communion as much as we need air and food and water. And we can't ignore the safety issues, out of love as much as out of legal compliance. No one is completely happy with the decisions made, so I guess that's a sign that it's the only good decision at the moment.

Trouble with Reopening

I may be on my way back to tension with my church. With restrictions starting to be lifted in my state, I'm worried that our church will push to open far beyond what is actually safe. Our state might be allowing 50% of lowest occupancy level for churches, but our small church building is far too small for 50% to be safe - we certainly all can't keep 6 feet apart in there. But we have people, including our priest, who are saying we should allow 45 people and have everyone stay for the whole service and start up after-service lunch again.

I want to go back to church. I want to go back to normal. But we are not out of this pandemic yet, and it isn't safe to act as if we are. And I don't know if I can go to church with a good conscience yet. Especially when I'm also still slightly panicking when going grocery shopping.

Plus, again, I think we have to balance our needs with how we are presented to our neighbors. My parents are extremely careful right now, and they were freaked out enough when I told them about the 'communion only' option that my church had at the height of this wave of the pandemic. Do I honor my parents' wishes that I not attend? How hypocritical would I be if I were to advocate such a slow reopening in the state, and then attend a 2 hour church service with 44 other people?

I'm not worried for myself. I'm worried that I may pass on the virus to others who are in a more vulnerable position, including my parents. And including my great-uncle who is having mini-strokes and may need someone to go and help him and I live closest (still two states away, but still). How can I attend church and still be able to go help my vulnerable great-uncle?

I'm not ready. And I'm scared that my church will go too far, too fast, and lose members for it. What does it say that I get an email from my priest about 45 people attending the full service and I immediately go check out the website of the Greek church in the area? And I'm the secretary of the parish council. I don't know what's going to happen, and I'm worried.

Musing

You know, apparently it's a thing both in Italy and the US, and probably elsewhere, for people to purchase things and have their orders lowered in a basket? I saw a video about a food pantry in Italy that's doing that, and there's a bakery in DC that it handing out ordered food that way. It's rather medieval. Actually, it's interesting how sometimes things come back from the past due to strange situations. I know there are hospitals where they still use a form of the baby wheel to encourage mothers to abandon their unwanted babies there instead of trashcans (not coronavirus related, but still). People are hanging basics for food, and wearing masks to ward off plague. Heck, even things like sewing and knitting and baking and gardening are making comebacks at the moment.

 Anyway, it is interesting how history sometimes circles back.

Why 2020 is a Trash Year

There's a lot of memes about this, but I want to keep track of things that happen each month, just to look back and see how cracky this year was.

January: Possible WWIII when the US assassinated Iranian General Soleimani.

February: Wildfire in Australia (had actually been happening throughout their summer, but the memes focus on February)

March: Most of the Western world goes on lockdown due to coronavirus

April:  Memes say that the US declassified UFOs, which yah kinda, but honestly anything is a UFO if you're bad enough at identifying things.

May: Murder hornets enter US

June: Hopefully this is nothing, but apparently there have been earthquakes in Yellowstone? Which, if any year was going to have a Supervolcano eruption, it would probably be this year... Let's hope June's trash status stays having to deal with riots in multiple cities. ETA: Also, apparently a dust cloud from the Sahara is heading towards the SE USA. Biblical plague anyone?

July: So far we have the possible collapse of the Three Gorges Dam in China which would be pretty catastrophic.  [Didn't happen. There was a spike in the pandemic though!]

August:  This might bleed over into September, but Hurricane Laura is a Category 4 and about to ram into the Gulf Coast. Also, wildfires in California!

The beginning of Phase 2?

It seems like a lot of places are beginning to test opening up again. China has listed restrictions for awhile now, though we hear suspiciously little about them these days. Italy looks to be moving from the strictest quarantine to the type of stay-at-home orders the US is doing. Georgia (the state, not the country) is worryingly opening before they've even 'flattened the curve'. Florida beaches are opening, prompting a local lawyer to haunt the beaches in a Grim Reaper costume. My state's governor is talking about a phased reopening beginning in a couple weeks.

I'm both ready for this to happen right now and thinking this is way too fast. I worry places will begin opening up before there are good procedures in place, causing a rise in outbreaks. I worry that places opening will put people who are not ready to open at risk because they can't afford to go against the reopening orders.

I call myself a cynical optimist. I hope for the best, but prepare for the worst. The optimist in me is hopeful that we've done enough to mitigate the worst of the pandemic, so that a slow, careful reopening will be just the thing. The cynic in me knows that while a person is smart, people are stupid and once you have a hole in the dike, the whole thing will spill out. I'm fully expecting there to be another, probably worse, wave in the fall or winter.

Not that we can afford to stay-at-home for much longer. A horrific economic depression will kill people just as surely as Covid-19. It's that awful balance of 'for the greater good' and 'no man left behind'.

When Your Normal Life is Considered 'the New Normal'

Lots of headlines recently about how people's lives are changed due to the coronavirus and stay-at-home orders. And granted, my life has changed too. I'm working from home, church is virtual, and my grocery shopping habits have changed. But honestly...other than that, my life is pretty much the same.

When the news talks about people staying home and not going out to movies and restaurants and parties and bars - I never did any of those things anyway, except for a few extraordinary circumstances.

When the news talks about how people are living more frugal lifestyles, are meal-planning and cooking for themselves and trying not to throw things away and reusing plastic bags and baking bread - yah, that's just normal life for me. Do people really not reuse containers and ziplocs on a regular basis? Do people just...throw away old bananas and not make banana bread? Granted, I do throw out things that have spoiled, but that's the exception. If I didn't carefully budget and purchases the cheap-but-just-as-good, my ancestors would come back and haunt me.

Don't get me wrong. This whole thing has hit me decently hard. Usually I don't get my hair cut but once or twice a year, but right now I find myself tugging on my hair and feeling like it's twice as heavy as normal. My anxiety when going to the grocery store has skyrocketed - I'm going to be even more agoraphobic than usual when then is over, I can just feel it. I desperately miss being able to visit my family and hug them - I'm this close to tossing my common sense and getting a cat just to be able to hug someone, and literally dreamed that I got a dog and spent a good portion of that dream just hugging it. I'm worried about whether my job will do furloughs or, worse, layoffs. I'm worried that my parents will contract coronavirus, or my nephew who has a history of lung problems.

I want this to be over.

I just also know I'm still very blessed. I have a job. So far, none of my immediate or extended family have gotten coronavirus, despite many of them being the medical field. I'm an introvert, staying at home is much less of a big deal than it is for extroverts. I have a steady income, and a good emergency savings. I'm able to keep in touch with family through Skype and Zoom. I'm able to find food, and I know how to cook it.

I still want this to be over.