When Your Normal Life is Considered 'the New Normal'

Lots of headlines recently about how people's lives are changed due to the coronavirus and stay-at-home orders. And granted, my life has changed too. I'm working from home, church is virtual, and my grocery shopping habits have changed. But honestly...other than that, my life is pretty much the same.

When the news talks about people staying home and not going out to movies and restaurants and parties and bars - I never did any of those things anyway, except for a few extraordinary circumstances.

When the news talks about how people are living more frugal lifestyles, are meal-planning and cooking for themselves and trying not to throw things away and reusing plastic bags and baking bread - yah, that's just normal life for me. Do people really not reuse containers and ziplocs on a regular basis? Do people just...throw away old bananas and not make banana bread? Granted, I do throw out things that have spoiled, but that's the exception. If I didn't carefully budget and purchases the cheap-but-just-as-good, my ancestors would come back and haunt me.

Don't get me wrong. This whole thing has hit me decently hard. Usually I don't get my hair cut but once or twice a year, but right now I find myself tugging on my hair and feeling like it's twice as heavy as normal. My anxiety when going to the grocery store has skyrocketed - I'm going to be even more agoraphobic than usual when then is over, I can just feel it. I desperately miss being able to visit my family and hug them - I'm this close to tossing my common sense and getting a cat just to be able to hug someone, and literally dreamed that I got a dog and spent a good portion of that dream just hugging it. I'm worried about whether my job will do furloughs or, worse, layoffs. I'm worried that my parents will contract coronavirus, or my nephew who has a history of lung problems.

I want this to be over.

I just also know I'm still very blessed. I have a job. So far, none of my immediate or extended family have gotten coronavirus, despite many of them being the medical field. I'm an introvert, staying at home is much less of a big deal than it is for extroverts. I have a steady income, and a good emergency savings. I'm able to keep in touch with family through Skype and Zoom. I'm able to find food, and I know how to cook it.

I still want this to be over.

The Title of This Blog is Looking More Prescient

There's a headline in the BBC today "Swiss say young children can hug grandparents". What even is this world anymore? It also is an article that explains that while the Swiss are saying that young children can hug grandparents for a short time, other researchers say that they are mistaken in saying that young children don't spread the coronavirus. So there's that.


You can tell people are getting frustrated by the restrictions. I saw that this morning, when I went to the grocery store, and fewer people were wearing masks than they were a few weeks ago. I see it in the news articles about protestors, and cautious reopenings. I mean, reopening has to happen. Our economy cannot survive a shutdown for much longer. And it's nearly summer, hopefully that will limit spread more, if only because people are outside more than inside. But I'm looking at autumn with trepidation.

Especially since my college, like many, is planning on opening face-to-face in the fall. Colleges are hotbeds for infections, and our financial situation is already precarious, investing in the resources needed to do protect students and staff alike is going to also be a heavy burden. And, of course, I'm anxious about how pandemics tend to work - in waves. The 1918 flu had one wave in the spring, then a more deadly wave in the fall and then a third wave in the winter. I pray we won't have the same problem, but I'm realistic about the high chances that things can actually get worse.

No Idea how to Title This

What is this world coming to, where companies have to send out warnings not to inject bleach in your veins because the President of the United States mentioned that it might cure coronavirus? I mean seriously? At least the Tide Pod challenge was either stupid kids or GenZ humor that Boomers didn't understand.

This is also a world where farmers are dumping produce because either they don't have enough people to pull it from the field, or supplies chains are so messed up due to restaurant closings that there's 'no demand' even as people are more desperate for food also because of those restaurant closings. It's scarily reminiscent of the Great Depression, or some of the man-made famines of the past.

 Mental health update: Doing pretty well. I'm leaning on my policy of cynical optimism (plan for the worst, hope for the best). Talked with Mom today about the pressure of having projects you now have time to do and not being able to make yourself do them. We came to a policy of trying one thing at a time, then moving to the next. And quite honestly, I have a feeling this is going to go on long enough that we'll have plenty of projects to get through. But yah, I'm doing pretty good, considering the world is collectively going through a massive trauma.

After-Easter Update

Easter went as well as it could, considering I was sitting in front of the television watching the service streaming from Holy Transfiguration Monastery in PA. It was lovely, but hard not to have the joyous shouts of "Indeed He is Risen" echoing around me, nor feel the energy of everyone's joy. Hopefully next year...

I did take Monday off work anyway, even though I'm still WFH, but I probably would have anyway because I had a migraine. I was foolish and indulged in too many dairy and meat products and port wine after being basically a vegan teetotaler through Great Lent. Bad idea!

As for the world, I tried not to read too much news during the Paschal celebrations, so it was catch-up today. It sounds like tensions are rising between those wanting to reopen the economy and those who, you know, don't want a bunch of people to die. And yes, I know things are really bad for some people, and that I am very blessed to have a job, a work-from-home capable job, a good emergency fund, and no loans. But too many of these protestors are more concerned with their rights than the actual reasons people need to get back to work, and despite being conservative this drives me nuts. It's like anti-vaccers, and believe me nothing raises my blood pressure like anti-vaccers. This is not the government trying to take away our rights to assemble. This is people taking precautions so that people don't die. I heard an analogy in a similar way: If, during WWII, you refused to blackout your house because it interfered with your 'rights', you would not only be putting yourself in danger (which is actually your right) but everyone else in your town because your lights are like a 'bomb me' sign to the enemy. You are not allowed to yell 'fire' in a crowded theater. Rights have limits.

OK, getting off that now. The other thing I've noticed with this stay-at-home thing, is that I'm dreaming more vividly. This is apparently happening to a lot of people, between it being easier to sleep longer and general stress. Last night I dreamt I was in my great-grandfather's hometown in southern Italy (I visited a few years ago), and I serendipitously met my best friend's cousin there (I do not even know if my best friend has a cousin). Then, when we were at a talk on the beach (this town is actually in the mountains of Basilicata and no where near a beach), a slow-moving tsunami began overtaking the town. Everyone had to keep moving to higher and higher buildings and hills as the water rose higher and higher. Eventually everything subsided and we all had to go to a refugee camp in Greece.

I always know I'm stressed with the giant wave dreams happen (as has been a recurring theme all my life). I've also had several dreams about Italy recently, which tells me I'm worried about my relatives there (I met a few cousins during my Italy trip, and the email I have for them hasn't worked in the last few years). I may also be worried about my best friend as she (or her random cousin) has shown up a bit, too. I've considered writing down my dreams more, but we'll see.

Midweek Reflection

I think I realized last night just how long this is going to take. I was talking to my best friend on the phone (she lives several states away) and she asked my when my governor was going to lift the stay-at-home restrictions and when I said 'June' she was amazed (her governor is simply extending the order on a weekly basis). It was that amazement that made me realize life is going to be like this for another two months. And that's only supposing teh order is actually listed in June. It could be extended.

I'm not only going to miss Mother's Day, but probably Father's Day as well. It's spring now, will it be summer before things start seeming normal again, or will it be next spring? I've been viewing this almost like a stay-at-home vacation with some work in the middle, but it's not.

I had communion this morning for the first time in a month. I went to the church, stayed away from everyone there, we were ushered a couple people at a time into the church, took communion, then booked it out of there so the next person could come in. It was rushed and it was great seeing my fellow parishioners, but I also had to talk loudly at them from 6 feet away and with a mask on, for a couple minutes before we all left. It was both wonderful and horrid.

I also went to the grocery store for the first time in a month. The store didn't have pickup, so I was zooming around the store in my mask, and it was kinda amazing how polite everyone was - it was all "after you" "no, after you". Everyone seemed to be wearing a mask and were just trying to get around people as quickly and not-closely as possible. And there was a store employee at the cart return station, wiping down all the carts as they came back in. Pretty well run, considering how usually packed it is. But I have a feeling we are all going to be agoraphobic by the time this all ends.

Holy Week

As it is Orthodox Holy Week this week, I won't be updating that much unless I feel really driven to do so. Right now is the time for me to focus on prayer and fasting and preparation for the celebration of the Resurrection of Christ. It will be an interesting Holy Week, not able to attend any of the daily services. Thanks be to God for churches and monasteries streaming the services. My church is also allowing signups to take Holy Communion in small groups to comply with the law, and I've signed up for Thursday - in following the example of St. Mary of Egypt.

I pray that this Holy Week will be blessed for all, and that we will all have a joyous Pascha on Sunday!

The Lone and Level Sands Stretch Far Away

I honestly don't really know what to talk about right now. It's like we're in a steady holding pattern. The worst hit in the US is New York City, and we don't really have any connections there. We're a little more worried about what the New Yorkers who fled to Florida might have done, as I have some family and family friends living down there.

Still, we seem to have gotten into our new stay-at-home habits. Worried about what the economic repercussions of this are, but thanks be to God my immediate family is mostly alright job-wise. I have one uncle who has lost his job, which is worrying, but he's had similar problems before and his wife is still employed so they aren't penurious. I worry more about the older folks in the family who, if they were infected, would have a hard time fighting it.

I'm hopeful that this will start to come under control over the summer. In fact, it would be wonderful if we were able to have our planned family reunion in July. I doubt it, but it would be nice...

On the silver lining side, my prayer rule has gotten better, and I'm making good headway on Christmas presents (all this time for crocheting has to be good for something). If I could only bring myself to work on the book I've been writing for, like, 10 years now...

Of that Colossal Wreck, Boundless and Bare

I dreamt last night that I was traveling to Venice, while the coronavirus outbreak was still happening. There were other people getting off the plane with me, and a few people in masks working, but other than that it was empty and quiet. It kinda made me think that, when all this is over and travel resumes, I may make Italy my next trip, instead of Sweden. They need the tourist dollars more.

All this is predicated on the world economy not completely falling apart, and me still having a job in over a year from now. Being a state university employee has a level of safety, but not complete safety. Though I think the library has proven in this emergency to be incredibly important to the university as a whole (not that we didn't already).

They say this will be the worst two weeks for the US - strangely fitting that this week is Western Holy Week and next week is ours. Hopefully by Pascha infections will have leveled off.

Nothing Beside Remains, Round the Decay

So this Wednesday I am scheduled to give blood. My parents are not happy about this, but I'm pretty sure the Red Cross nurses will have things pretty contained. Also, I am young and healthy and people still need blood. There may be fewer car wrecks because fewer people are going places, and a lot of surgeries and such are being postponed, but hospitals still need blood. I wouldn't want my parents to donate, because they're in the vulnerable population, but how can I sit here and do nothing when a little (and by little I mean small) risk can help out in this hard time?

I'm also thinking of trying to sign up for the Holy Thursday service next week (not this week I'm Orthodox, our Easter is a week after the West's this year). Today was the feast of Saint Mary of Egypt, and I read her Life this week and this morning before (virtual) liturgy, the nuns at the monastery I'm streaming read the Akathist. St. Mary only had the Eucharist twice in her life: once before she left for the desert, and once, 40-some years later when Elder Zosima came across her during Holy Week on Holy Thursday. It just seems fitting that, in this time of forced semi-asceticism to emulate St. Mary. I won't try to attend the other services, even Pascha. Other parishioners deserve those places more than I do.

The world has gone a little crazy. Maybe we need some asceticism in our lives.

Look on my Works, Ye Mighty, and Despair

Talked with my mom today, mostly about how to organize taking down an oral history from my great-uncle over the phone. Both to get the history, and to help keep him from getting lonely now that he is completely shut out from his usual life. He's been talking to scam artists on the phone just to talk to people (my great-uncle is a sweetheart, and he gets taken advantage of easily). It really put into view how alone particularly the elderly and infirm are right now. He is mostly blind and lives alone, though his housekeeper (who is herself 90 years old) comes in once a week to cook for him. Mom is stressing a little about what we can do if the housekeeper (who is practically family herself) gets sick or can't come in for whatever reason. My parents have to be isolated themselves, since they are older and my dad has high blood pressure and smokes.

I also had to have that brutal conversation about their health. In case both of them are indisposed, I'm their health care proxy. Do you know how hard it is to ask your mom what she wants you to do if she and dad get put on ventilators from this? I also had to insist that if either of them get sick, they call me so I can go and help them. I'm the most able of my siblings to help them - my sister is I don't know where, doing virtual coursework for her Yale MBA and my brother has two young kids, one of whom has a history of respiratory problems. Mom said she'd talk with dad about it, but I hope they realize that I'm able to be there for them. (They don't know this, but basically my future plans consist of eventually finding a job near where they live so that I can take care of them when they get older. They would freak out, wanting me to go out and live my own life, but I don't know how to explain to them that this is what I want to do. I'm not married, I don't really want a relationship and children, and frankly my only dreams for the future is having a small home with a garden and being able to take the occasion European trip.)

Just thinking about all this makes my stomach hurt, but my family is very practical (see, the fact that my parents have me legally as their healthcare proxy and have their wills all set), which undoubtedly  can be useful in times of crisis.

Huh, I haven't given a mental health update in awhile, though this post is almost one in itself. I'm doing well, cleaning a bit, and still baking. I got frustrated when my sewing machine broke, but I'm also content with just crocheting. And, and this is big, I actually am ordering take out for dinner tonight. I never order takeout, and rarely ever dine at restaurants except for special occasions. But it is a way of giving back to my community, with is something good for my mental health as I've been stressing a bit about my lack of ability to help. So it's actually a good mental health day, despite the hard conversation.