Look on my Works, Ye Mighty, and Despair

Talked with my mom today, mostly about how to organize taking down an oral history from my great-uncle over the phone. Both to get the history, and to help keep him from getting lonely now that he is completely shut out from his usual life. He's been talking to scam artists on the phone just to talk to people (my great-uncle is a sweetheart, and he gets taken advantage of easily). It really put into view how alone particularly the elderly and infirm are right now. He is mostly blind and lives alone, though his housekeeper (who is herself 90 years old) comes in once a week to cook for him. Mom is stressing a little about what we can do if the housekeeper (who is practically family herself) gets sick or can't come in for whatever reason. My parents have to be isolated themselves, since they are older and my dad has high blood pressure and smokes.

I also had to have that brutal conversation about their health. In case both of them are indisposed, I'm their health care proxy. Do you know how hard it is to ask your mom what she wants you to do if she and dad get put on ventilators from this? I also had to insist that if either of them get sick, they call me so I can go and help them. I'm the most able of my siblings to help them - my sister is I don't know where, doing virtual coursework for her Yale MBA and my brother has two young kids, one of whom has a history of respiratory problems. Mom said she'd talk with dad about it, but I hope they realize that I'm able to be there for them. (They don't know this, but basically my future plans consist of eventually finding a job near where they live so that I can take care of them when they get older. They would freak out, wanting me to go out and live my own life, but I don't know how to explain to them that this is what I want to do. I'm not married, I don't really want a relationship and children, and frankly my only dreams for the future is having a small home with a garden and being able to take the occasion European trip.)

Just thinking about all this makes my stomach hurt, but my family is very practical (see, the fact that my parents have me legally as their healthcare proxy and have their wills all set), which undoubtedly  can be useful in times of crisis.

Huh, I haven't given a mental health update in awhile, though this post is almost one in itself. I'm doing well, cleaning a bit, and still baking. I got frustrated when my sewing machine broke, but I'm also content with just crocheting. And, and this is big, I actually am ordering take out for dinner tonight. I never order takeout, and rarely ever dine at restaurants except for special occasions. But it is a way of giving back to my community, with is something good for my mental health as I've been stressing a bit about my lack of ability to help. So it's actually a good mental health day, despite the hard conversation.